Depression Blog 2.0

Okay, this is my second attempt at writing a blog about working to overcoming my depression for good.

First, this is so damn hard for me to do. Depression is the worst foe I have ever faced because it knows me just as well as I know myself. I am scared.

I am 20 years old and almost every day that I wake up I have to force myself to get up and go to school, work, or just get up in general.

I am not very religious and, spirituality speaking, I believe in the will of the universe and the power of Karma.
I used to believe thatĀ  everything happens for a reason, but as of late I cannot say I still believe in this as I am failing to even justify that all that I have gone though is for the sake of learning or gaining experience.

Men have caused me so much pain since January of this year and since then I lost myself and as some say, my confidence as well. If this is true, I honestly cannot say as I have forgotten so much since this year began.

Depression runs in my family and I have tried meds for it but my depression pills caused me to become far more anxious and it was rather counterintuitive as my anxiety is what (in general) causes my depression. Antianxiety pills helped the anxiety but the depression remained at a low level. However, the antianxiety pills began to cause my blood pressureĀ  to rise and cause pains on my left arm. Fearing a heart attack I’ve had to stop the pills cold turkey (minus one pill that I truly needed.) Now without the amxiety pills, my depression and anxiety are on the rise.

Everyone tells me to focus on me and school and to figure out who I am. I dont see why this matters. I have such little interest in school, bachelor’s degree or not, and personally don’t want to know myself at this point in life. How can I when I am so scared of being alone and never having a family?